Rock King, the owner of Sister Kate’s in Stowe, wrote and performed a song in which he said where he would send each of his body parts when he died. His head would go one place, his liver somewhere else. He did not say what he would do with his privates. His ass would go “to the Internal Revenue”. But his heart – his heart – would “always stay with you”.
Tax season is my second-least favorite time of year. I did my taxes last weekend. I did them online, using Turbo Tax, a shoebox full of receipts, Excel, a financial calculator and my fingers and toes. In the end, I filed electronically. My only regret about not filing by mail was that I could not enclose nail clippings or used dental floss with the package. Since I need all of my body parts while I am alive, I will request that my executor include part of me when he or she sends in my estate tax return. I think my rear end would just cause problems for other taxpayers. I am thinking lower intestine or middle finger, left hand.
Here’s the problem. I could not file electronically last year. I do not recall why, exactly, but I do remember that it was a trivial problem, and had to do with a quirk of Turbo Tax and some of my supporting documentation. So, I printed out the return, signed it with my wife, kept a copy, wrote a check to the United States Treasury for the amount that we owed, wrote “2020 1040 – in full”, along with our social security numbers on the check, put it in an envelope, affixed applicable postage, and put it in the mailbox. Three weeks later, the check was cashed.
In January of this year, I received a letter from the IRS saying, “You did not file a tax return for 2020. Please file at your earliest convenience, or call this number”. I dialed the number and got a recorded message that an agent would be able to talk to me in approximately ninety minutes. I said, “fuck this”, hung up, wrote “2020 tax return filed and tax paid – see cashed check” on the letter that was sent, printed out a PDF of our cashed check, put both sheets of paper in an envelope and sent them to the address listed on the letter. And, of course, I kept a copy.
Anyone who has filed a tax return for a mobile home park business knows that there are copious M-1 adjustments, i.e. changes that need to be made to reconcile book and tax income. That’s why I dread tax season – Rent Manager is good at keeping records, but it is only as good as the information that is fed into it, and it is a financial accounting, rather than a tax accounting, software program. But the substantive steps of producing the return were slightly easier than I expected. The problem was that I had to lie in order to file electronically.
You see – in order to file electronically, Turbo Tax and the government need to verify your identity. They do that by asking you for last year’s AGI. They figure that you, and only you, will know your AGI from the previous tax year. So, when I was prompted to input our AGI for 2020, I looked up the copy I kept of the return I mailed in this time last year and typed in the number from Line 11. The problem was, since the government has not processed my return yet, they don’t know what my AGI was, so they bounced it back.
So, I called Turbo Tax. I got a guy named Jori who had an American time-zone accent and sounded surprisingly articulate for 8:00 PM Eastern. I said,
-How do I solve this problem?
-You need to type in your AGI from last year.
I counted to ten and did some box breathing. Getting stroppy does not help in these situations.
-I just did that. That’s the problem.
-Let me check my resources.
I noticed that he pronounced “resources” like we do, rather than “rezources”, like a Canadian or a Brit. The hold music sucked. When he came back on, he said,
-The problem is the Service hasn’t processed many 2020 returns yet. It sounds like yours might be one of them.
-I understand. How can we solve this?
-You type”0” in the 2020 AGI box.
-I don’t really want to do that. Can I use the five-digit PIN, instead?
-Excuse me?
-The five-digit PIN you need to make up each time you file. I believe that I have it from last year.
-Let me check my resources.
The hold music did not improve. When he came back on, he said,
-You can try.
-Well, I know that. I just don’t want to type “0” into the 2020 AGI box because you have to attest to three things when you do that. You have to attest that (i) that’s the number on your 2020 return, (ii) that’s where you got the number from, and (iii) you are telling the truth. If I read the instructions correctly, you swear this on penalty of perjury. I don’t want to tell a deliberate untruth in a communication with the Service.
-I have checked my resources, and they say that you need to check those three boxes in a case like yours.
-Thanks.
-Anything else I can help you with?
-Not today.
So, I tried to file the returns using the five-digit PIN that I made up last year. They were bounced back. Then, I bit the bullet, swore under penalties of perjury that my wife and I had zero AGI for 2020 and hit “send”. This morning, I received an email to the effect that our 2021 return had been accepted by the federal government. The state return was still pending.
If I ever had to explain to a court or the Service why I told an untruth regarding my 2020 return, I think that I would have a good explanation, assuming any kind of rational interlocutor. I suspect that the Service is so understaffed, thanks to the George Bush personnel cuts, Covid and the Great Resignation, that I will not get any interlocutor, rational or otherwise, if the issue comes up. And Rock King died in 2016. You can read his obituary here (Kerrymen can click here; Newfies and IRS agents, here). It does not say where his executor sent his bung-hole, but I know where it belongs.