Sing, Sing, Sing and Sing

It used to be that everyone made fun of Polish people. You didn’t even have to make a joke – you could just say, “Polish”, and people would giggle. If you visit the National Comedy Center in Jamestown, NY and go to the Blue Room, you can see old clips of Lenny Bruce. Every now and then, he says “Polish”, and people laugh.

His humor has not aged well.

The first Polish guy I met was large, thirty-ish, red-faced, and riding a bicycle that was three sizes too small for him. It was thirty-six years ago, 4:30 or 5:00 AM on a quiet residential street in Chicago. I was walking home. He rode up to my six O’Clock shouting, “Alsted. Alsted. Alsted”. He stopped and said, again, “Alsted”. I said, “What?” He said, “Alsted.” Then, he pulled out a piece of notebook paper with a hand-drawn map. He showed it to me and started speaking excitedly in a language that I could neither understand nor recognize. I looked at the map and saw that he was trying to find Halsted Street. I tried to explain that Halsted Street was far away from us and to the west, and that he was riding east. We both pointed at different places on the map a few times. He started saying “Da. Nyet. Da. Nyet”. I asked,

“Are you Russian?”

The question did not seem to register. He said,

“Da! Nyet!”

I rolled my ‘R’ and said, in what I thought was a foreign accent, “Russki?” He smiled, looked at me proudly and said,

“Polack! Hah, hah!”

I said, slowly and a bit loudly, “Halsted very far from here”.

I stretched my arms out and held my palms parallel to each other, as if I were describing a big fish. Then I pointed west and said,

“And it is that way”

He said, “Thaank yoou”, jumped on his bike, pointed his knees out, and rode off in the direction of the lake, to the east.

That got me thinking about whether comic conventions had a basis in reality.

Everyone has someone to dump on. New Yorkers hate on people from New Jersey. Texans hate on Oklahomans. Oklahomans hate on Texans. When New Jerseyans want to feel good about themselves, they hate on Iowans. Iowans are too nice and level-minded to hate on anyone. Everyone hates Californians. In Poland, they make jokes about the police. Who do the Polish police make fun of?

People from New Jersey – of course.

Why do Polish police work with dogs?

Two heads are better than one.

Why do Polish cops work in pairs?

One can read. The other can write.

Why do they have a shot of slivovice in the morning?

So that they have something in their head.

Why are New Jersey drivers’ licenses printed in braille?

To help the blind cops.

Many of the dumb Polish jokes you heard forty years ago in the United States are Belgian jokes in France. How do you sink a Belgian submarine? Knock on the door. How do you get a one-armed Belgie out of a tree? Wave. Why do they have windshield wipers inside their cars in Belgium? Because pthpthpthpth.

In Britain, they hate on the Irish. In Ireland, they hate on Kerrymen. In Kerry, they ride around on bicycles that are too small for them with their knees pointing out and their faces red, round and drenched in sweat, jabbering in random syllables and looking for Halsted Street.

Since the Newfies joined Canada in 1949, they have been twice-cursed.

In India, many jokes target Sikhs. Sikhs tend to be named Singh. Singh means ‘lion’.[1] A Sikh boasts to a Hindu, “I am the son of a lion!” The Hindu replies, “Did your mother go to the jungle, or did the lion come to your house?” A Sikh wakes up in the hospital after a motorcycle accident. The last thing he remembers is that he had been riding his motorcycle at night with his wife behind him. He had seen two headlights coming toward him in the oncoming lane. He had told his wife, “I am going to ride between those two motorcyclists riding abreast coming towards us. Watch this.” When he wakes up in the hospital, his wife, Mrs. Singh, is by his bedside. He tells her, “Some rat bastard motorcyclist was riding between those two motorcyclists. He kept his light off to trick me!”

A guy calls the law office of Singh, Singh, Singh and Singh. He asks, “Can I talk with Mr. Singh, please?” The guy on the other end of the line says, “Mr. Singh is out of station.”

“Then, can I talk with Mr. Singh?”

“Mr. Singh is at lunch now.”

“Is Mr. Singh in?”

“I’m sorry. He is not at his desk.”

“Then can I speak with Mr. Singh, please?”

“Of course. Singh speaking.”

Most category jokes are no longer funny. The second Polish person I met was a student of mine. He was quiet, hard-working, polite, thoughtful and very smart. And he had trained his dog not to chase parked cars. The third, fourth and fifth Polish people I met were also smart, well-educated and decent people. Jokes about Black people, disabled people and homosexuals were never funny, because they are cruel. Jew jokes are hanging on, but barely (I noticed a scrum of rabbis at Aldi the day before yesterday, debating the legality of buying and consuming deeply-discounted ham). Blonde jokes were always kinda dumb. We still harbor hatred, contempt and pity for lawyers, but we don’t joke about them anymore. Nobody even remembers that we used to tell jokes about Italians. And once you have heard one joke about a drunk Irishman, you have heard them all.

But – there is one group of people you can still make fun of without shame. That is people who work at the DMV. And if the DMV were Canada, the people who work in the manufactured home title bureau would be the Newfies. And they would not be just any Newfies. They would be the village idiots who other Newfies make videos of that they play at their sisters’ weddings after the old people have passed out from drinking too much screech.

In June of 2021, I bought a mobile home from an older couple in my park in northern New York. The older couple had bought the home from another guy who had lived in the park. That guy had purchased the home from a chattel lender named Tammac Holding Corp at repo, but had never gotten a title from the Tammac Holding. By the time I bought the home from the older couple, the first guy had burned his bridges and moved out of the park.

In hairy-title cases, you need to get an affidavit of facts from the person from whom you bought the home setting out why they do not have a clean title. Then, you attempt to contact the earliest-known owner of the home. Then, you summarize the facts in simple English in a notarized letter that the bureaucrat who reads it can use to CYA. Here is the text of the affidavit of facts signed by me and the old couple that accompanied the first title application for the home:

Title Bureau
6 Empire State Plaza
Albany, NY 12228

June 17, 2021

RE: 2000 Redmond Manufactured Home, Model XXXXXX, Serial Number XXXXXX, current location XXXXXXX

Dear Sirs,

We purchased the above-referenced manufactured home (the “Home”) on February 2, 2018 from XXXXX (the “Previous Owner”). In June 2021, we sold the Home to XXXXXX, LLC (the “Buyer”). In our dealings with the Buyer, we always transacted with XXXXXXX, the president, and with Mike, the manager.

The Previous Owner did not provide us with a title to the Home. Ownership was transferred from the Previous Owner to us by a bill of sale. Ownership was transferred from us to the Buyer also by a bill of sale. We have made an effort to contact the Previous Owner to inquire about the title to the Home, but we have been unable to do so.

Sincerely,

The notarized letter covering the application read as follows:

New York State Department of Motor Vehicles
Title Bureau
6 Empire State Plaza
Albany, NY 12228

June 28 2021

RE: APPLICATION FOR TITLE, MANUFACTURED HOME SERIAL NUMBER XXXXXXX, YEAR: 2000 MAKE: REDMOND MODEL: XXXXXXX

Dear Sirs:

I am the sole owner and president of XXXXXX, LLC), (the “Company”) a New York State limited liability company. The Company owns a mobile home park (the “Park”) located in XXXXXX, NY.

The Company recently purchased the above-referenced mobile home (the “Home”) from XXXXX and XXXXXX (collectively, the “Sellers”). The Sellers purchased the Home from XXXXXX (the “Previous Owner”) in 2018. However, the Sellers never received a title from the Previous Owner.

I would like to apply for a title to the home on behalf of the Company. In lieu of a title, I have provided the following documents:

A completed and executed MV-82TON;
An affidavit from the Sellers, stating that they did not receive a title to the Home when the purchased it from the Previous Owner, and that they have attempted to contact him regarding this matter without success;
A bill of sale for the transaction, both using our form and using the DMV’s form;
The corporate minutes of the Company appointing me an officer with signing power; and,
A check for $125 for the issuance of the title.

Please let me know if you need anything more in order to issue the title and record the lien. My contact details are below.

Sincerely,

In October, the DMV requested a picture of the serial number, proof of ownership, and another notarized statement of the facts. I sent that to them. In March, I received another packet from them. Inside was the title application that I had sent, the corporate minutes of the park holding company, the affidavit of facts, the covering letter, the bill of sale and the print-out of the picture of the manufacturer’s sticker from the closet in the master bedroom stacked up neatly with the check for the application fee placed at the top and stapled together, with the following letter on top:

New York State Department of Motor Vehicles
6 Empire Plaza
Albany, NY 12228

March 2, 2022

MFH MAKE: 2001 REDMAN
MHHIN: XXXXXXX

Dear to whom it may concern:

We are unable to process the enclosed request for a manufactured home title for the following reason(s):

Please submit the New York State Title transferred from Tammac Holding Corp to the Previous Owner. The Previous Owner must obtain a New York State Title in his name first before transferring the Manufactured Home to the new owner, the Seller.

After completing the above requirement(s), please return all of the required documents to the Department of Motor Vehicles, Title Bureau, 6 Empire State Plaza, Albany, NY 1228.

Title Services Bureau
Title Services Unit
(518) 486-4714

I tried calling the Title Services unit. In normal times their hold-times are long, but these are not normal times. When I got to the bottom of the tree, I was informed that I would have to call back later, because no operators were available to assist customers. I tried again two more times, at different hours of the day with the same result. So, I drafted the following letter, put it on top of the stack, and sent it back:

March 25, 2022
New York State Department of Motor Vehicles
Title Bureau
6 Empire State Plaza
Albany, NY 12228

RE: APPLICATION FOR TITLE, MANUFACTURED HOME SERIAL NUMBER XXXXX, YEAR: 2000 MAKE: REDMOND, MODEL:VVVV

Dear Sirs:

Further to my earlier application, please note the following:

I am the sole owner and president of XXXXX, LLC (the “Company”), a New York State limited liability company. The Company owns a mobile home park (the “Park”) located in XXXXX, NY.

On June 21 2021, the Company purchased the above-referenced mobile home (the “Home”) from XXXXX and XXXXX (the “Sellers”). The Sellers purchased the Home from XXXXXX (the “Previous Owner”) in 2018. However, the Sellers never received a title from the Previous Owner. We do not have a forwarding address for the Previous Owner, and the Previous Owner has not responded to our attempts to contact him.

I applied for a title shortly after the Company purchased the Home. Your office returned the application with a request for the following additional information:

Original proof of ownership properly transferred to the Company;
A photograph of the serial number of the home; and,
A notarized Affidavit of Facts regarding the acquisition of the Home stating year, make, model, serial number, seller, how long the Home has been in the Company’s possession and the reason why a title is not available.

On October 29, 2021, I sent your office the following documentation with an updated application:

Original Proof of Ownership Transferred to the company: The notarized bill of sale transferring ownership of the Home from the Seller to the Company included with the October 29 packet should constitute the best-available proof of ownership of the Home by the Company, as transferred to the Company by the Sseller;
Photograph of Serial Number: a photograph of the manufacturer’s sticker affixed to the utility cabinet in the master bedroom, showing the serial number and Model Unit Designation of the Home was included with the October 29 packet: and,
Notarized Affidavit of Facts: A notarized affidavit of facts was included with the October 29 packet.

On March 2, 2022, your office returned the updated application with a note saying that, in order for a title to be issued, the Previous Owner would need to obtain a title, and for him to sign that title over to the Sellers. That is not possible. Per the notarized affidavit of facts included in the October 29 packet, the Sellers did not receive a title from the Previous Owner, and we do not have a forwarding address for the Previous Owner. We have made all reasonable attempts to contact the Previous Owner, but he has not responded. Because of this, it is impossible to obtain a title from the Previous Owner.

All prior communication is included herewith. The notary seal at the bottom of this letter should allow this letter to constitute an updated affidavit of facts.

Please advise as to next steps. We will obtain a bonded title, if necessary.

Thank you for your time and assistance in this matter. My contact details are below.

Sincerely,

On July 8, I received another packet from the DMV. It included all of the materials that I had sent them, stapled nicely to my check. In response to my letter of March 25, in which I stated that we could not get a title from the Previous Owner because he had left town and we were unable to contact him, they re-inserted their March 2 letter with the operative wording highlighted in red magic marker:

Q: How can I get a title issue if the seller did not get title from the previous owner?
A: Have the seller get a title from the previous owner.

Q: The previous owner is not available. How can I get a title issued in this case?
A: Get a title from the previous owner.

Q: The previous owner has flown the coup. Repeat, interrogative: How can I get title in this situation?
A: Does not compute.[2]

Until recently, the Title Division had seated the employees who can read next to the employees who can write. Their cubicles were within shouting distance of employees who can use the phone. I understand that, because of recent budget cuts, they have eliminated two out of those three job functions – but which functions were eliminated is a closely-guarded state secret.

DMV employee goes to the doctor. “Doc”, she says. “My eye hurts when I drink coffee”. Doctor says, “Take the spoon out.”

In the Simpsons episode when the family visits New York, Bart stumbles upon the corporate offices of MAD Magazine. The receptionist-gatekeeper is a tough old broad with an outer boroughs accent, reading a Glamour magazine. Bart asks, “Excuse me – is this the headquarters of MAD Magazine?” She flips a page in her magazine and says, “No – it’s Mademoiselle and we’re buying the sign on the installment plan”. Bart stumbles a bit, star-struck. She tells him that the office is “just a place of business” and that he should scram. As Bart prepares to slink back to the elevator, the door behind the receptionist opens unexpectedly. Alfred E. Newman sticks his head out and makes a bunch of cryptic comments using a funny accent and faux Yiddish vocabulary. Behind him, there is a clown going “boing, boing, boing” on a pogo stick, a Spy vs Spy characters placing a bomb, and a large guy chasing a small zeppelin with a tennis racket. Bart looks like he has undergone a religious experience and says, “I will never wash these eyes again!” I imagine the manufactured home division of the title bureau of the New York DMV to be something similar. From outside, it looks like a dingy government office, filled with government workers who wear button down shirts with short sleeves and ties. What goes on inside is a closely-held secret. You can’t enter the building, you can’t make telephone contact, and you can not communicate by email. You can only communicate by postal mail, which takes three to four months for each round-turn. The door to the killing floor is guarded by an old broad with a smoker’s voice who moved from Staten Island to Albany back when Peter Stuyvesant ran the department, who still refers to Mr. Stuyvesant as “The Boss” and the current commissioner as “That New Guy”. But if you manage to see through a crack in the door behind her, you will see people bouncing around on pogo sticks, people spraying each other with Silly String, people betting on cock fights and binder-clip animal races, and people and using wadded up balls of printer paper and nerf guns to shoot skeet. And if there is a just God, you will also see people – everyone in the department, in fact – playing Russian Roulette with automatic pistols, instead of revolvers.

[1] See, e.g. Singapore, or ‘lion city’, pur from the same Indo-European root as the Greek polis.

[2] There is a process for obtaining a title in a case like this. It is called a “bonded title”. In a bonded title case, the state issues a probationary title that has the term BONDED printed on it as a lien. In order to obtain a bonded title, the applicant has to make his case with an affidavit of facts and proof that he has tried to track down the latest-know title holder, and he has to put up a performance bond against potential claims on the title. That is why I requested a bonded title in my letter of March 25.

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