In college, a friend of mine wrote a story about a kingdom in the northern latitudes ruled by a queen:
This was no Snow Queen or Queen of Hearts; nevertheless, she was every inch a queen, and to prove it, she had her own castle with gargoyles, turrets, parapets, towers and what not.
The kingdom’s gardens are invaded by thistles, so the queen hires a gardener named Candide. Shortly after Candid begins work, the queen goes on a tour of nearby kingdoms and leaves her realm in the hands of her able ministers, who promptly get drunk and let the place go to hell:
In his more lucid moments, the finance minister would call up the chief of the militia and curse him out for letting things get into such a state. The latter would then send his representatives out amongst the subjects to advise them how best to protect themselves. His recommendations along these lines were don’t go anywhere, don’t do anything, and don’t breathe too hard, sound advice that was universally disregarded.
The queen returns and restores order, but not before the Royal Handyman, who has won all of Candide’s future earnings at one-pocket, tells a story about the Queen’s father, who a generation previously had to call in the Emperor when things really got out of hand. When that happened, the Emperor hired an army of mercenary Visigoths who set fire to the kingdom and sprayed it with Agent Orange to calm things down. A semblance of order was restored. That’s history, the handyman tells Candide. You’re just a footnote.
In real life, the Queen relinquished power voluntarily in the early 1990s and now tends her farm in retirement, like Cincinnatus. However, when the regime changed, a rump faction of her ministers, refusing to swear fealty to the new regime, broke off and moved to Champlain, NY, where, like the Empire of Trebizond after the fall of Constantinople, they continue to run things the way they used to. That is to say that they don’t go anywhere, they don’t do anything, and they don’t breathe too hard. They do that under the name of a legal entity that I will call ClearUS.
ClearUS is not a customs brokerage. It is a venue for debauchery. If you visit their offices during the week, you will hear dub-dub-dub kind of dance music over which you can’t hear yourself think and will see bare-naked women mud-wrestling on raised stages, old ladies pounding shots of tequila, tearing off their shirts and shouting, ‘Whoooo!’, and small children mainlining high fructose corn syrup and shooting off fireworks. You will see middle-aged housewives doing lines of coke off the erect private parts of male strippers brought in from Palestine and North Korea exclusively for that purpose. You will see the mayor of Rouse’s Point and dignitaries from nearby Canadian towns twerking. And taking it all in, surveying their realm, are the Queen’s Finance Minister and her Chief of the Militia, now several decades older, sitting on a catwalk that overlooks the action, drinking smoothies made of Dilantin and Cialis, smiling, tapping their feet, and nodding.
You would not think that that goes on inside to look at the exterior of the ClearUS premises. It looks like any other warehouse on a quiet road in the borderlands north of Plattsburgh. Their web page gives no clue as to the debauchery that takes place there. It reads, “ClearUS. Your Online U.S. Customs Broker. Get a Quote. Get started”. But appearances are deceptive.
I hired ClearUS to represent me as a customs broker in December. I had purchased a sewer jetter from a manufacturer in China a few days before and needed someone to help me get it through customs. They said that they could do that. Things took an ugly turn early. They made a stink about the way I wrote my shipping address on the invoice. They refused to speak on the phone. But that was just throat-clearing. The real problems began when they told me, correctly, that the item could not clear customs without a form mandated by the EPA. When the manufacturer refused to give me the information needed to fill out the EPA form, ClearUS told me that they could not help me solve the problem. When I asked them to help me get a refund, they told me that, because they no longer represented me, they could not do that.
Q: Wait – didn’t you need a refund for the same reason why they couldn’t get the item through customs?
A: Yes.
Q: So – wouldn’t the party closes to that hold-up be the party best-situated to help you get that refund?
A: Yes.
Q: Isn’t it their job as your agent to act in your best interest, on your behalf? Didn’t you give them power of attorney to do that?
A: You are preaching to the choir for rhetorical effect.
After ClearUS told me that my item was in limbo, I contacted the Alibaba dispute center. Here’s what they said:
Alibaba: If there is a formal document from customs or the shipping company, please upload it on the dispute page. It will be helpful to identify if there is an obstacle to the clearance. Without an official customs document from you, we are not able to verify the detention reason.
That seemed reasonable, so I forwarded it to ClearUS. Here’s what they said:
ClearUS: There is no documention to show this. I am not sure what you would be looking for. You were unable to provide us with the correct forms for clearance. POolease reach out to the forwarder. We are unable to do anything further with this.
I contacted the forwarder. The forwarder said, “This is a customs issue. Contact your customs broker”. I did that, via chat:
Me: I have contacted the forwarder. They have told me that, because you are handling customs clearance, only you can handle this. You are the only party who can provide proof that (i) the item has arrived and (ii) it is hung up in customs. Can you please provide that? Thanks.
ClearUS: We are not handling customs clearance, due to the proper documents not being provided.
Me: Of course! That is why you guys can do this. Per the dispute resolution center’s instructions, we need documentation that (i) the item has arrived and (ii) it is stalled in customs. You guys are not handling this, because it cannot be handled, because the necessary information has not been supplied – in other words, it is stalled in customs. We need documentary proof of this. Since the forwarder can not provide this, you are the only party who can do so.
ClearUS: Again, as we are not processing the clearance, nor have we billed for such, we have no proof to provide. I am asking management to review.
I found it difficult to believe that a government agency like CBP lacked for paperwork. Nevertheless, I suggested that, absent official paperwork from CBP, ClearUS could write a letter on their letterhead with their customs broker registration number stating what they had said in the chat, i.e., that the item was hung up in customs and could not be cleared without information needed to fill out the EPA form. Management reviewed and decided to fire me as a client. The chat went dead.
Grinding my teeth, I did some ex post due diligence. The local BBB has eight reviews for the business, all of which are one-star:
Dustin P: I used ClearUS for my last international shipment and it was a nightmare. The team is unresponsive and did not handle my paperwork appropriately. As a result of their error we received a $1,100 fine. After bringing the matter to the attention of my Customs Broker Agent, I was provided the runaround. ClearItUSA would not take responsibility for their error (they entered the wrong ISF number) and attempted to place blame on my forwarder
Na B: I cannot believe i found this so late, but I am currently in crisis with them and have zero choice but to deal with them to the end. They had all my documentation for weeks, and day of for filing ISF.. nothing. No one ever answers the phone or responds. I told them they are dangerous for businesses. DO NOT USE!
Donna T: Absolutely HORRIBLE Business Never do business with an entity if you cannot reach a human on the phone. They do not answer their phone – ever. You are reduced to a chat box only. When they do not respond, there is nothing you can do.
After I read the BBB reviews, I submitted reviews to Trust Pilot and Google. ClearUS responded to the Trust Pilot review within an hour by alleging that they had to withdraw their representation because I had tried to get them to engage in fraudulent activity. I ground my teeth some more, reflected that, if they were as responsive to customer needs as they are to negative reviews they would own the world, contemplated a defamation suit, thought better of it, and banged out a blog post.
At the end of the Story of Candid the Gardener, the Queen returns from her trip, banishes Candide and gives him just twenty-four hours to vacate the premises. Cast into the void, he loses himself in the world, going wherever the four winds blew him, and is finally torn to pieces by a sectarian Christian mob. The narrator ends the story with a direct address to the reader:
It won’t do you any good to ask me what kingdom this is, for its name shall never pass my lips. Nevertheless, I’ll give a hint to those of you who, like myself, are compelled by circumstances to wander the globe. It’s the one with no thistles.
It will do you, reader, no good to ask me the real name of the legal entity referred to herein as ClearUS in a public forum. Nevertheless, I can give some slack to those who, like me, are compelled by fate to swim in septic tanks and herd cats. If you DM me, I can dish the real the dirt.