‘The Comptroller calls me ‘Tempura’’, the Founder said. He was sitting behind his desk with his hands underneath the keyboard shelf. A large bruise extended from the bridge of his nose to the crow’s feet on his right eye.
‘Why is that’, AP asked.
‘She likes me lightly battered.’
AP threw a side-glance at Operations. Operations avoided her eyes. The Founder put both hands on the desk and rolled a quarter over the knuckles of one of them.
‘What happened’, AP asked.
‘Mike called me at 10:45 PM and 2:30 AM Hsinchu-office time with an emergency’, the Founder said. ‘9:45 AM and 1:30 PM his time.’
‘And the call woke up the Comproller?’
‘Correct.’
‘And the Comptroller was not pleased?’
The Founder smoothed what used to be his hair back from his forehead with the palm of his hand. The quarter fell, orbited and lay flat on the desk top.
‘I mean, really’, AP said. She felt an elevens furrow her brow. ‘You need to think about yourself.’
‘She’s taking her meds and going to therapy’, the Founder said.
‘What’s going on with the Metron bills’, the Founder asked.
‘Don’t get me started.’
.
‘Why did Mike call you’, Operations asked. He had been sitting next to AP across from the Founder while they spoke. Guys don’t like to stick their noses in each other’s business, AP thought – at least when women were present.
‘The water riser for the home where the guy from Missouri lives froze.’
‘He had to call you at two in the morning to talk about it?’
‘Yes.’
A junior trader on the quant desk outside the Founder’s office lay a string of firecrackers across the floor behind Mary, in Stat Arb, and lit the fuse. As the explosions crept toward and past Mary, she glanced back and down, and then returned her gaze to her monitor.
‘It’s the year of the Grass Mud Horse’, Operations said.
‘Funny’, AP said. ‘Asshole.’
‘His heat tape was shot and the pipe insulation was gone’, the Founder continued. ‘A bunch of skirting panels were missing. The septic line was disconnected from the upright. The water riser pit was filled with septic. As far as we know, the septic was getting into the drinking water.’
An assistant desk head took a bunch of incense sticks out of his drawer, lit them and handed them to each of the guys on the desk. The desk head put a stack of hundred-dollar bills as big as a home bible in front of his monitor. The guys lined up behind his desk, held the incense sticks to their foreheads and davened.
‘I hope they aren’t going to burn that money’, Operations said.
‘I bloody well hope so, too’, the Founder said. ‘It’s my money.’
After the traders had paid their respects to the desk, they walked around and stood behind Mary. Her hair, the Founder noticed, was just this side of white dreadlocks. She did not register sensation when the most senior trader in the group stuck one of the incense sticks that he held into the fur at the back of her skull. The rest of the traders followed suit. When they were done, her hair looked like a pin cushion, or Saint Sebastian.
‘They shouldn’t have fun at her expense like that’, AP said. ‘I mean, they should grow up.’
‘She’s right’, Operations said.
The Founder opened the door and glowered.
‘Hey’, he shouted. ‘Knock it off.’ The traders scattered.
‘It really is the year of the Grass Mud Horse’, Operations said when the Founder sat back down at his desk. The Founder grunted.
‘Yes, it is.’
.
‘So, Mike fixed the riser’, Operations asked.
‘He had to crawl through some shit to do it’, the Founder said. ‘I mean, literally. The area below the home was covered in septic, and he had to reach into the pit to get to the break. The meter was blown to bits.’
‘You could see that from the tape’, Operations said. ‘There was clearly a leak.’
‘Yeah, well, we found it.’
‘Have you paid the Metron bill’, the Founder asked AP.
‘No’, AP said. ‘Don’t get me fecking started about the fecking Metron bill.’
.
‘I find that Metron has a good product but shitty service’, the Founder said.
‘You have said that before’, Operations said.
‘The ability to compare the volume of water that comes through the master meter to aggregate individual usage in almost real time is huge. The difference is what leaks into the ground.’
‘What units do you use to measure water loss?’
‘Gallons, cubic feet, CCFs, dollars.’
‘Dennis Petersen said that manual-read meters are better than remote-read, because that way, when you crawl under each home every month, you can see if there is a problem.’
‘Dennis Petersen died and went to Tennessee.’
‘Why haven’t you paid the bill’, the Founder asked AP.
‘I was paying the bill every month’, AP said. ‘It was on auto-pay. It was set-it-and-forget-it. Things were going fine.’
‘And?’
‘They changed their payment system. The new online portal is designed by North Koreans.’
A string of firecrackers went off at the other end of the floor, near Crypto.
‘We have four accounts, one for the master meter at each park and one for the individual meters at each park. The account numbers are 1453-0001, 1453-0002, 1453-0003 and 1453-0004, respectively. I was able to set up online access and auto-pay for account number 1453-0001, but when I tried to set up access for each of the other three accounts, I received an error message saying, ‘Access for this account has already been set up.’ Technical help is unavailable by phone. When I email the employee tasked with setup of the new platform, she sends me a PDF of general setup instructions which does not address this problem. When I tell her the problem and tell her that the instructions do not solve the problem, she sends me the instructions again.’
‘Oi.’
‘It is 1983-level janky.’
‘And?’
‘And nothing! I have told them that I have a problem paying our bill! If they want to get paid, they will fix it!’
The head of the Volatility desk stood with his back to the office door facing the pile of cash holding a pair of moon stones. He whispered a few phrases, davened, and dropped the rocks. When they came up double-curved, he picked them up, faced the money pile again, whispered a few more words, bent at the waist again, and prepared to drop the rocks again.
‘Are you sure you want superstition on the trading floor’, Operations asked.
‘It’s less dangerous than monotheism and it’s cheaper than bread and circuses’, the Founder said. ‘It doesn’t really bother me.’
.
‘Any other problems with Metron service’, the Founder asked.
‘Their meters clog sometimes’, Operations said. ‘The paddles will slow down if silt gets stuck in them. Sometimes they read but don’t transmit. When that happens, it is impossible to get technical help. By the time someone focuses on the problem, we have already forgotten about it. I think they expanded too fast, got over their skis. It’s as if Pete Hegseth were running the organization.’
‘Are there other providers in the market?’
‘Oh, sure. A place called MetersNElectronics charges only thirty cents per meter per month for monitoring, but they do not have an integration into Rent Manager. Hocutt offers monthly monitoring at $2.25 per month with Rent Manager integration. That is quite competitive. A new outfit called Dune Labs is a bit more expensive, but their meters read water usage through ultrasound instead of with paddles. That makes installation much easier. The people with whom I have dealt from these companies have all been competent and professional.’
‘Have you considered changing providers?’
The Founder paused and thought. He did not seem to enjoy being asked the question.
‘I don’t think so’, he said. ‘The transaction costs are high. When you change providers, you need to change your meters. Each meter costs a few hundred dollars. Master meters cost a few thousand. Installation might be seventy-five bucks a pop. Multiply by number of lots under management and that’s real money. Once you choose a water metering provider, you are pretty much joined at the hip.’
‘So, you will stick with Metron despite their crappy service?’
‘Correct.’
The head of Merger Arb lit a stick of incense that was as thick as a cigar, waved it around Mary’s dreadlocks, and then stuck it into her hair as if it were a feather and she were a Native woman in a kid’s book.
‘Like sticking with an abusive spouse because you are scared of the alternatives’, AP said.
‘Fuck off’, the Founder said. ‘We love each other. And she’s taking her meds now.’